(Source: rusk0)

When you told me that I felt like I was going to puke.
I think you said it to try to get me jealous or something, I don’t know. I thought you grew a bit more respect, I hope I’m not wrong about it. I’m starting to wonder, however.

Never in my life have I acted like I did today, I’m surprised at myself.
I’m not sure what to do, you really saw an awful side of me.
Not even he has heard me act like that.
I can’t believe I showed you those things, too. Whatever. I hope things end out okay. I think something strange is going on right now. I really never act like that and I’m sorry you saw that.

This week sucks, the only good thing was Angelspit and even then we got into a car wreck and I got hit in the head and I had a killer headache and my legs hurt really bad. I’m just glad I didn’t get an concussion, I did have a bump though. I hope our car doesn’t get totaled, I wouldn’t be surprised if it did though. It looks awful.
Things are not going well for me.

Cut hair just a while ago.
Current task:
Painting nails.
Next task:
Today, buy bleach.
Later, get nose piercing redone. (Ughhhh)
Convince parents to let me pierce my eyebrow or lips.
Go buy clothes.

I’m tired of everything.

I need to reach out for what I need.
I’ll grab everything except for that, it’s gone. It’ll never be in reach for my grasp, even if it is.. It’ll never grab my hand back.
I feel terrible for telling you that secret, I wish I could take it back. But I couldn’t stand you shoving that choice down my throat, the lack of choice strangled me… Wrong or not, stupid or not. I don’t want you telling me what to do.
I’m selfish, I’m spoiled, and I make the wrong choices.
Try to tell me you’re not.
We don’t share a life, I don’t know any of your feelings or emotions, I can’t make everyone or anyone. You’ve got to make yourself happy, and that’s something I need to learn and work on.
Why should anyone give a shit about me? They’ve not no reason to, they don’t go through what I do. Not saying they don’t, I don’t know how I mean that. But I guess even if we do share the same emotions and experiences, there really is no way to tell you how much pain I feel or how much pain you feel.
Basically, if I want to feel better I need to do it myself and not rely on you. I did try that, and in the end that’s what happened.
I’m lost in a pool of emotions, I simply cannot swallow all this water to let me breathe. I’m sorry, I can’t do that. I’m sorry I’m confused.
I’m sorry for saying that, I’m sorry for you knowing that.
To be honest, sometimes I want to run around complaining to everyone how I feel and what I want to do. But I can’t, I don’t know what stops me. I guess I feel like my feelings don’t really matter, and especially when others have it so, so much worse.. But even still, I don’t have it as bad as some, and this is the maybe the worse I’ve felt, and maybe my worse is your best… But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.
You pushed on my nerve, I felt you simply had no right to tell me I couldn’t do that I snapped. I brought that feeling to you that I had no desire to enforce over you. I forced you to feel sympathy for me, and I don’t wish for that. I wish to deal with things that upset me by myself and to not resort to that… But I do at the same time, it would be so easy.
I can change my face, I can change my looks but I cannot change myself.
I lost that hope for myself feelings better if I did this or that. Truth is right in front of me, face it. This is you, and you can’t change that.
But I can fool others.
I’ll swallow it down. I won’t change for you, or maybe I will..
I’m not sure who I want to change for, I realized that no matter what I do I’ll never be happy with it… I guess I figured that I can push that away.
I really want to do that, but I can’t and it would be stupid if I did… But I need it, I need it really bad. Maybe I’ll tell you that I really want that, but I know you’d be very upset with me for turning to that. Honestly, I never lied to you when I told you I felt happier, but now I don’t feel good at all.
I told you that I was getting a hold, but honestly I think I just lost my grip and my hands are too slick with sweat to hold back on.
When I was there I dreamt about it, it was very similar to the dream you told me about only I didn’t walk out. I was stuck with the choice, the choice I know is there but I’m running from.
There are actually two very important choices I’m hiding from and I’m scared of the day when they found my hiding spot.
I imaged you there instead and I felt so upset with myself.
This is the main point of my art, your pain.
I know how much I suffer, but how much do you? I see you act so happy but are you really? Is anyone honestly and truly happy?
I wish I knew.
I’m going to change myself on the outside, but I know I’ll forever be the same—or feel the same on the inside.

Fucking change it.

Get over yourself and lay your own fucking laws down.
Too bad I can’t follow my own advice.
Time to get some control.